I Never Meant to Hurt You
by cyberwulf
Summary: We all know Buffy can be annoying at times. Like at the end of The Yoko Factor. But she's a good person, just a bit thoughtless at times, so here I let her redeem herself. Buffy's POV.


I Never Meant to Hurt You  
  
By Cyberwulf  
  
Rated PG  
  
Disclaimer : The characters belong to Joss Whedon , Mutant Enemy and various other people who aren't me .  
  
Spoilers : `The Yoko Factor', since this is kind of a missing scene between it and the next episode , and most of season four before that .  
  
Summary : We all know Buffy can be really annoying sometimes . Like at the end of `The Yoko Factor', when she got all self-righteous and flounced off to see Riley , the one person she could still count on , blah blah . Well it made me mad . But she's a good person , just a bit thoughtless at times , so here I let her redeem herself . Also based on the fact that deep down no one's harder on Buffy than she is on herself . Buffy's POV .  
  
I make my way down the steps and stand outside looking up . The apartment's in darkness . I sorta laugh . Here I am , all geared up to make the biggest , grovellyest Buffy apology of my career and there's no-one here . Except you .  
  
I try the door , and it swings open . It's not bolted . It's never bolted . Wonder why . Is it because you have nothing worth stealing , or because the really evil things in Sunnydale need an invite ?  
  
I switch the light on . Last time I stood here , we were fighting . We said some terrible things and I stormed off to talk to Riley , the "someone" I could count on . (I can't believe I said that to you guys .) Except I don't know where he is .  
  
I look around . Willow must have been really ticked . She left her laptop . Your sweater's still on the ground where Xander threw it in a temper . I try not to look at the wet , empty glass on the desk , or the bottle on the counter . I still can't quite believe it . Can't believe that you were . . .  
  
Man , I know how this looks . Couldn't find big-commando-Captain-America-guy , so I come back here , the last resort , the Scooby gang , no good for anything , just getting in the way . But it's not like that . I need you guys . That's about the only thing I said tonight that I really meant .  
  
In the silence of the apartment I can hear faint noises coming from your room . You're snoring . I head up there - don't quite know why . Guess I wanna make sure you're okay . . . as okay as anyone can be with a bellyful of scotch and a whole lotta hurt inside . Your door's open , but I kinda feel weird about going in . I guess it's 'cos you're such a private guy . I remember when we were crashing in Xander's basement and you put up that blanket around where you slept . It's a good metaphor for you .  
  
I make up my mind and go in . I almost trip over your jeans . They're lying just inside the doorway . You're sprawled on the bed , lying on your stomach , face to the wall , away from me . The blanket covers you from the middle of your back down . You're still wearing a T-shirt . Guess you didn't manage to get undressed before you - before you passed out God , I still can't believe it . Still can't believe technically , you're not sleeping , you're laying in front of me in a drunken stupor .  
  
I perch on the bed and watch you . Hey , that's a turn-around . Me watching my Watcher . There are sweat stains on your shirt , under your arms . I reach out and lightly touch your hair . There are so many grey ones . When did you go grey , Giles ? Why didn't I notice before ? There are so many , and it makes me sad . I don't want you looking old .  
  
I haven't noticed a lot of things . Like tonight . I should've picked up that something was wrong with you . The out-of-context comments . The stupid grin on your face . The way you were slurring your words - God , I'm such an idiot . The others didn't notice either . None of us did , until you started giggling and I asked you straight out . And you happily admitted it . Didn't care what we thought of you for getting so drunk that you ended up missing the chair and falling on your butt . I never want to see you that way again .  
  
Willow said things have been wrong for a while . And she's right . I WAS wigged when she told me about Tara , and I remember something else I said tonight - " If I was any more open-minded about the choices you two make my whole brain would fall out ." But I only realise now how that must've sounded to her . I swallow the lump in my throat . Will and I are best friends . I wasn't around when she was cut up about Oz - I haven't exactly been around much at all . For any of you . I keep wondering about this whole Tara thing , and I can't shake this mental image of Willow , confused , wanting someone to talk to , and me not being there - too busy trading you guys in for the Initiative .  
  
Xander said we went off to college and forgot about him . I just realised I don't even know what he works as right now . Or even if he's got a job . I wish he'd made it to college with Will and me . I miss his goofy smile and sense of humour . I miss him coming up behind us in the halls with a cheery , " Hello , ladies !" I miss - I miss Xander being Xander .  
  
I did forget about him . And I forgot about you , too .  
  
What happened to us , Giles ? I mean , apart from the Council firing you and the insult to Watchers everywhere that was Whining Wesley . Last year , we blew up the school together . This year . . . this year I'm sitting here watching you sleeping off a lot of whiskey and it's so unreal that I'm starting to wonder if I really know you any more . Do you drink alone most nights ? Or is this just a one-time thing ? I don't know , and it makes me mad because I should know . Not mad at you , mad at me . Because I hurt you . Thinking back on this year , I hurt you a lot . I forgot to tell you about Riley and the Initiative . I stopped training with you . I said you were "very , very old". And that the whole thing with you and Olivia was "gross". And those dumb off-hand comments at my birthday party - I'm kicking myself for them now . "Professor Walsh is the smartest person I know . . . she's like , forty . She's got better things to do than hang around with a bunch of kids ." Way  
to go , Buffy , that's just the right thing to say . You're a real jerk , Summers .  
  
I just didn't think . I don't know if that makes it better or worse . I'm leaning towards worse here . I think it's got something to do with the whole Slayer deal - acting on instinct because with vampires , if you stop to think , the hesitation could kill you . So sometimes my mouth says something and it takes a while for my brain to go , " Hey wait , maybe you don't wanna say that ." But I never meant to make Xander feel stupid , or make Willow feel like I was judging her . And I certainly never meant to hurt you so badly that you ended up reaching for a bottle because it's just too painful for you to deal .  
  
I wish I could tell all of you how I feel . But I know that if I tried , I'd mess it up . The words are in my head but when I try to say them they come out all wrong . I know because somewhere in my head I had a peaceful solution to tonight . There were words in there that could have smoothed things over . But then the guys said stuff , I got all defensive , I said some awful things I regret now and I ended up slamming out of here . And now we're all mad and upset and I feel like I really messed up bad . And now I gotta go before I start crying .  
  
I get up and take a last look at you . I pull the blanket up to your shoulders . The last thing you need is a cold on top of everything else . I miss the way it used to be . I spent all that time wishing I was out of high school and now I wish I was right back there , with things like they should be - Xander being his loveable Xandery self , Willow dating Oz , Cordelia slamming all our fashion choices , meetings in the library and you . You wearing tweed , with a job , and being my official Watcher . And here come those pesky tears again and I really gotta go because I don't wanna wake you .  
  
I go down the stairs without making a sound . Silent as a cat , that's me . I step outside and close the door as quietly as anyone can close that great big heavy door of yours . I look up at your apartment . I've known you for four years , been at your house hundreds of times , and do you know I still don't know which is your bedroom window ?  
  
Sleep well , Watcher-mine . Something tells me we're both gonna feel lousy in the morning .  
  
The End  
  
-^)--)~ 


End file.
